As I mentioned before I have never been working or been employed anywhere during the thirty years I have lived. It is a very satisfying feeling knowing I have not done that, that I have not been slaving for other people. Instead I have been free doing what I want. Such things that are important. As mentioned before, I hate duties and obeying other people, not to speak about being punctual. Just by thinking of situations that have to do with places of work gives me a feeling of not stand it. While most people have work as one of the most important priorities in life, I shun everything about work. I want to be free and decide how to spend my time, not adapting myself to other people’s rules. I am no slave by nature, which obviously most other people are.
I get money for my providing by the government services, and in order having the right to get that the employment office has demanded me testing to work, and I have agree to that since I have known that the trial of work would not be for long. On the place of work where I was going to test to work I spent about two hours. I did not feel motivated at all. I felt restless and imprisoned so I simply walked out from there, out to the freedom. But the people at the employment office did not understand my acting, so I had to explain my feelings of not being motivated and feelings of being imprisoned on places of work. Of course average, ordinary people like the persons at the employment office cannot understand my strong feelings since I am of another kind of being than they. Therefore they wanted me to talk to a psychiatrist in order to clear up everything. I got to know that the psychiatrist could make a diagnosis on me that would relieve me from work if he would consider that necessary. When I later got a time with a psychiatrist i went there with a feeling that everything went exactly in the direction I wanted. I met the psychiatrist, a big, clumsy man, who gave me questionnaires to fill in. They were about different things, among other things agony, self-esteem, relations to others, and together it all composed a test of personality which would tell about my type of personality and my mental health. I filled in the questionnaires and came back a few days later when the psychiatrist had read the answers. Now we were going to talk. He avsked me questions like them in the questionnaires, among other things if I felt different to other people, which I said I did. Then he said I was different other people. Of course I am, I thought, I am superior to You and everyone else. He also avsked however I was able feeling interest, joy and belief in the future (he tried to find out however I was depressed or not), and how my ambitions in life looked like. I answered that yes, I am able feeling joy, interest and belief in future since in the world there are beautiful beaches where I can be lying down sunning myself. He looked at me without comment on my answer, and I thought: To you, mister Psychiatrist, maybe it would not be very delighted lying down on a beach in the heat, since with that clumsy, untrained body maybe instead it becomes straining. Yes, maybe there is a risk your heart stops beating.
Then I was going to tell about my plans for the future. I told I maybe have plans of being a professional runner, get my novel published in USA, and for the money it would give, buying a beach-house and also liberate every animal that is suffering in the world. I also mentioned I am going to change people’s approach about animals and their rights so that everyone realize how very wrong animals are treated within activities such as animal testing, slaughter and hunting, which will lead to that it will be forbidden that animals are exposed to suffering and death. The psychiatrist told me I was very unrealistic, and then I thought it is he and other people that do not have any dreams and ambitions. They confine themselves with their jobs and average swede-life.
The psychiatrist went on saying that I am not taking responsibility for such things that one as adult should take responsibility for, among other things one’s providing. Neither it is good not having any relations besides the closest family, he also said, meaning it is not good and normal standing outside society living like a lonesome wolf in one’s own closed world. He draw a conclusion I was very different to other people since I wanted to live outside society and fellowship. Then I asked him if he would not find it good being free from job and duties and instead doing what he wanted. Then he said he likes his job and that he likes people which obviously I did not seem doing. I think most people are vacant and boring, I told him. It gives me not much being together with them. More than the satisfaction of feeling how enormously superior to them I am, I thought listening to the psychiatrist’s coughs, a sign of faulty health, which I myself do not have. I am never ever sick.
After the conversation the psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis which he also would send to the people at the employment office so they would have to consider about it. He told me I radiated anxiety, restlessness and agony, that I am antisocial and accordingly have difficulties adapting to society and demands like for example work, and also that I have difficult having relations to other people. According to him I have two diagnoses: general agony and a mental disorder of personality. He told me I have big problems and that he understand I do not officiate on a work together with other people. He said to me to eat medicin and also to go in therapy in order to better be able adapting me to society and other people. Then I said I do not want to be like other people. They just are ordinary average swedes. Unika them I do not want to be part of society.
Before I went from there the psychiatrist said to me to take care of me. I smiled and told him I always do. Inwardly I thought it is he who should take care of himself better since it is he who is sittning there coughing, not I. Obviously he needs a running stroll that clears his lungs of phlegm. But probably he does not manage running more than about hundred metres, and certainly not faster than walking-speed.
When I went from the consultation rooms I was thinking that the psychiatrist gave me a wrong diagnosis. I have not a mental disorder of personality but a perfection of personality.
Trollälvan 